The Staff


*Neighborhood: Little Italy/UIC area

*Story about yourself: My first kiss ever, took place in kindergarten while I was sitting on the toilet. I guess the door was unlocked, and this girl who had a crush on me barged in and laid one on me. Confused and bewildered, I went home early from school and cried to my mommy.

*Favorite quote: “You ever hear girls say ‘I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.’I like to reply with ‘I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!”-Daniel Tosh

*Randomness: If you haven’t heard/own a Pizazz, get one.  I have the facial hair of a prepubescent Asian boy.  Laughter cures A.I.D.S.

*Find me… skating, writing, attending music/comedy shows and living it up at the $cum Palace..


*Neighborhood: Logan Square

*Story about yourself: My first kiss was with a guy named Zhebulon Star Traion.  I am fairly certain this is why my dream man looks like this—->

*Favorite quote: “Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.” – Chuck Klosterman

*Randomness: I sometimes YouTube the orginal Magic Bullet infomercial for  personal entertainment.

*Find me…on the CTA. I log more time in transit than I do in any one place.


*Neighborhood: McKinley

*Story about yourself: For Halloween I dressed up like Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange.  I wore a cup with the outfit, it was a little boy’s, it fit me perfectly.  Although, I was hoping for a bigger bulge.

*Favorite quote: “So you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna do something really outrageous, I’m gonna tell the truth.” – John Travolta in Primary Colors

*Randomness: I like midgets, smores, whores and the pokemon Squirtle.  I would like for some midgets to come over to my house for a small-scale stripper party.

*Find me…at Da crib, peepin’ movies at the cinema, The Music Box — South Side!


Neighborhood: Oak Park

* Story about yourself: I once evaded being mugged by simply refusing to hand over my stuff and giving sassy responses to my attacker’s demands. That 16-year-old felon walked away empty handed, crying out “Man, forget you b!t$h!”.

* Favorite quote: “All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. ” -Conan O’Brien

* Randomness: I don’t particularly like smores, but I highly enjoy making them. I even plan on buying that table-top smore kit from Così.

* Find me… at an improv class, multiple comedy venues on weekends.


*Neighborhood: Logan Square

*Story about yourself: The first time I made out with a girl at a movie theater was in 7th grade, seeing Baby Geniuses in theaters. I threw up out of the window of my dad’s car on the way there, but I never told her that part. She still doesn’t know. Also, I think I’m the only person who quotes Baby Geniuses in daily life to be funny. Ask me about the line I use, but don’t steal it from me.

*Favorite quote:

*Randomness: I can make a fart sound by pressing my palm against my eye socket, like the hand in the armpit trick. I used to be wayyy into magic tricks, which means I can still do a good amount (or too many) of them. I like to skateboard.

*Find me… at The Art of Pizza, Kuma’s Corner, or The Bongo Room. Those are the only 3 places I go out to eat.


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